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Other Jokes

Bad News

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Written by: Patriotrealm

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Ballycastle man answered his door to find two grim-faced Coastguard officers...

"We're sorry Mr. Grover, but we have some information about your wife".

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Mr Grover asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Grover said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"This is Mental!" exclaimed Grover. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr Grover demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The officer replied... "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Homework

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Written by: Patriotrealm

A class was given homework to find out something exciting and tell it to the class the next day.


When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class.

He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.


Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.


"It's a 'period'," he replied.


"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"


"Darned if I know," said the boy,


"but yesterday my sister was missing one,


Mum fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Army.

Stuck

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Written by: Patriotrealm
A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love.
 
They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car.
 
Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the hand brake properly, and so the car starts rolling...off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes.
 
The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car.
 
Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
 
Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot!"
 
The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes.
 
"Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, for Pete's sakes."
 
So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road.
 
Soon, she reaches a little shack.
 
She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers.
 
"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly naked woman, "he's stuck."
 
The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I am not sure we gonna get him out.

Chemistry Mid-term

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Written by: Patriotrealm

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question:


Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A.”

Advice

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Written by: Patriotrealm

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

On the First Day....

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Written by: Patriotrealm

On the first day, God created the dog…


God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”


So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”


The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”


And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”


The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”


And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”


But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”


So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 
  1. Do Something Useful
  2. A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
  3. The Irish Koala
  4. Brian Sullivan

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