The Bunnings Warehouse Sausage Sizzles are a part of Australian Culture, much like the Election Day tents outside the polling booths. I have been known to choose my polling booth by whether or not it has a sausage sizzle. And, Yes, I know that it is an Australian thing. Personally, I don’t think you should be allowed to become an Australian Citizen unless you have passed the Snag Test.
What is the Snag test you may ask? Well, it is a simple fail safe way of testing the patriotic DNA of any Aussie resident: if you can walk passed a sausage sizzle tent and not spend $2.50 on a sausage wrapped in a slice of bread, smothered in tomato sauce … then, mate, you are NOT a true blue Aussie.
Fair dinkum, no worries, you will FAIL the Pub Test. And if you don’t know that “ Snag “ is Aussie slang for sausage, then you may as well bugger off now and hand in your Passport.
There is something about a Sunday morning at Bunnings Warehouse… to my American mates,. Bunnings is the biggest chain of hardware, DIY, Big Boys Toy Shops down under. It OOZES testosterone and it turns even the most mild mannered soy boy in to a bloke of hope : could he possibly, really, actually get excited about toilet fittings, planks of timber or a drill bit?
Yes, mate, he could, if he marches up to the Sausage Sizzle tent and ( in the words of Monty Python ) announces in a proud and defiant voice :
“ I shall have one of those sausages in bread! And I shall have it on white bread! Not wholemeal, not a vegan sausage, No! For I, I am a Bloke! And I CHOOSE to have this sausage on white bread because I am a man and proud of it…”
Anyway, back to the Sausage Sizzle as a test of Patriotic DNA. There is another test that could be applied to test someone’s Australian Patriotism: the way the sausage is placed on the bread. This is a dead giveaway, should an alien from outer space try to pose as a fair dinkum Aussie. The sausage must be placed diagonally on the slice of bread. This allows for maximum “ wrappage” and sauce ( and onions, should these be your preferred topping).
Not long ago, back in 2019, Australia learned that Prime Ministerial hopeful, Mr Bill Shorten was an alien from the planet Dickead in the Galaxy of WhattheFuck because he failed the snag test. And it wasn’t even on a slice of bread! Hundreds of thousands of Aussies hung their heads with embarrassment… his fate was sealed. He would NEVER become Prime Minister if he couldn’t eat a bloody sausage sizzle properly.
Australia Day is coming up. A day for every self respecting Australian to get pissed, wear daggy Australian flag clothing, eat huge quantities of sausages on bread and play backyard cricket.
Burping, farting and scratching your balls is entirely optional, but highly recommended.
Everyone these “ WOKE “ days goes on about the meaning of Australia Day. Whether or not it means celebrating the Invasion by White Colonial Invaders… or a Day of National Mourning for the alleged slaughter of the Indigenous Peoples who had trekked this vast and hot continent dubbed Australia and claimed by the nasty Poms.
It is a day to celebrate a sense of humour that is quintessentially Australian. A climate that leaves others horrified.
Animal and insect species that tend to be rather “ holy shit !“ in their size, numbers and venom.
For myself it is a day to let it all hang out, play a few overs, tell a few lies and crack a few tinnies.
It is a day to celebrate the can of beer, the Ute, the invention of a whole new vernacular, an accent that is generally regarded as pretty bloody awful and a way of life that honours beaches, hardware stores and tents selling sausages on bread.
It is a day to laugh and think “ this is Australia! “
Australia Day is about celebrating being Australian. Beer drinking, hard working, BBQ eating, farming, surfing, laughing, joking, patting each other on the back and kicking each other in the bum.
A good day out is still a visit to Bunnings and a sausage sizzle and driving back home in the ute with the dog on the back tray and a few slabs of beer for the afternoon barbie.
On January 26th, have a good one and eat a snag and fly our flag.
Cheers mate!
