While I was out I went to the supermarket.
I had my list. Mrs Paddy wanted me to buy a cucumber. I reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. I grabbed it back.
“You’ve got me”, she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?” “No thanks,” I said “I’ve got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
Women.
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
Paddy and Murphy who were unemployed decided to go to the mainland to work in the mines in Derbyshire, "But I've never worked in a mine before in my life" said Paddy, Neither have I" said Murphy, "But they don't know that, do they,Its a long way from Wales, so we'll say we've worked in the mines in Wales, they can never check, then we will pick it up as we go along!!" So they arrived at the mine, the manager said to them "Tell me, where have you worked before?" Both together they said" Oh we've worked in the mines in Wales" the manager replied, "Well we've never had anyone from the Welsh mines, tell me, what sort of lamps do they use?" Straight away Murphy spluttered "Oh we never went on the night shift, did we paddy!!.
I have a joke about IKEA but l'm still putting it together.
1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin
3. His mother thought he was God.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fooker."
Breaking News.
Teenager survives on his own for almost 6 hours without WiFi
I heard 2 blokes in the pub yesterday talking about how they wouldn't get on a plane if the pilot was a Female.
I thought what a couple of Idiots I mean it's not like she would have to reverse it.
I was once engaged to a beautiful woman with a wooden leg, until she broke it off ?
Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
“Where do you think you’re going, son?” “Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scared and tried to go AWOL.” “Who you calling Captain? I’m a general!” “Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realize I’d run that far back.”
A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, private.”
“Thank you very much, sir,” replies the soldier.
I went to the Doctor today.
He said : "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
I replied I'll come back when you're sober Doctor"
I had a phone call from my sister in Ireland today. She was beside herself.
" Oh, Paddy, I am so worried about my youngest girl. "
What did she say, I asked back.
" Oh Paddy, she said "Mom, I want to be a prostitute."
"A what?" I asked back.
"A prostitute! " my sister replied
"Oh, a prostitute.... Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.
Solid, liquid and gas.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
Sleepy Joe got out to stretch is legs and saw my friend Seamus standing in the middle of a potato field.
So Joe goes up to my friend and asks for the quickest way to Belfast.
Seamus says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Joe says, “In the car.”
Seamus nodded and says, “That’s the quickest way.”
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes so I stopped seeing her for a while
I just caught my orchestra leader masturbating.
I said "That's no way to conduct yourself".
Seamus always used to say 'better out than in' which is probably why he lost his job as a prison guard.