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Irish Jokes

The Bible Salesman

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Written by: Patriotrealm

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people.

The first, Mick, came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired. Here’s your kit; go sell!”

The second, Seamus, came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired! Here’s your kit; go sell!”

The third, Paddy, came in and said, “I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-to s-s-s-ell, Bi – bi – Bibles, f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!”

“No,” shouted the man, “this will never work! You can’t sell Bibles…..

Paddy replied, “B-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, need tthis job!”

As there were no other applicants, the man said, “OK, I’ll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to show immediate RESULTS!”

Mick comes back and reports, “I sold 8 Bibles today.”

Seamus reports: “I sold 11 Bibles today.

Paddy reports, “To-t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!”

“Great,” says the man.

“However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!”

At the end of the second day,

Mick comes in and reports, “Today, I sold 32 Bibles.”

Seamus reports, “I sold 44 Bibles today”

Paddy reports, “To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi-Bibles.”

“Fantastic,” said the man, “since you’re doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don’t you tell them what your sales technique is.

I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, walk, up to up to them and ask, them… and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-if they want t-t-o-o- -b-b-b- buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to rrr read it to ’em?

 

Dublin Shopping

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside.

Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention.

The boy asked his father Pat,

What is this dad?

Pat (who had never seen an elevator before) responded,

Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is!

While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room.

The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out.

Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…

Go get your mother

Gunpowder

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Murphy counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.


She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Funeral Expenses

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Murphy's nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. The Funeral director said , "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to Ireland or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."


Murphy replied "Ship her home."


The Funeral director came back and said "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."


Murphy, quick as a flash replied "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

Irish Nuns

Details
Written by: Patriotrealm

Now, before I continue, I wish to apologize for this joke.

A car full of Irish nuns is stopped at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a swarm of unruly drunks approaches. 
 
“Hey, bloody penguins, show us your tits!” yells one of the drunks.  
 
Mother Superior, surprised, looks to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I doubt they realize who we are. Show them your cross.” 
 
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !” 
 
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough ?”

Irish Arab

Details
Written by: Patriotrealm

“What is your name?” inquired the teacher.


“Mohammad,” he said.


“You’re in Ireland now,” the teacher said, “therefore you’ll be known as Mike from now on.”


Mohammad came home from school. 


“How was your day, Mohammad?” questioned his mum. 


“Mohammad is not my name. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. 


“Are you embarrassed by your name? Are you attempting to defame your parents, your heritage, or your religion? You should be ashamed!”
And his mother thrashed him to oblivion.   

Then she called his father, who thrashed him once again. 


Mohammad went back to school the next day. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. 


“What happened, Mike?” she inquired. 


“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fookin Arabs.”

  1. Turner Brown
  2. Packed Lunches
  3. Feckin Speeding in Ireland
  4. The Flies and The Bet

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