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Irish Jokes

Two Men in a Pub

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Two men were sitting next to each other at the Murphy’s Pub in London.
After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says ” I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland?”.
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one say, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!”

“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and its a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated 1964.”
The first one exclaims, “The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck and winding up
in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Free Drinks

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Sitting in a bar in Ireland the Scotsman says,

“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Four Irishmen had been betting at the races

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Four Irishmen had been betting at the races & talking about how their wives hated their gambling.
Just then O’Malley lost the last of his money on the last race of the day, & keeled over dead!

The other 3 men stood & took off their hats for a few seconds.

Then O’Grady says “Well, one of ya better go tell his wife. I’ll not be the one.”

“Oh, me neither, me neither.” says O’Donnell.

O’Casey says he’ll go & he knows just what to say.

So he goes to O’Malley’s house & Mrs. O’Malley answers the door.

O’Casey says, ‘Mam, I come to give ya the terrible news. Your husband just lost £500.”

‘Tell ‘im to drop dead!” she says.

O’ Casey replies, ‘Aye mam. I’ll go tell him right now!’

The Lumberjack

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Written by: Patriotrealm

A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foreman’s door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the Irishman.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the Irishman.

“Holy smokes!” Said the Foreman. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked, “… don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

“Oh… Is that what they call it now?”

The Birds Nest Joke

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Written by: Patriotrealm

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, “So I’ll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..”

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

The next night, Mick went round to Paddy’s to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!”

 

Suing people

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Written by: Patriotrealm

I cannot help thinking about my old friend Patrick O’Shea who called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.” “And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’. . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with?

  1. Irish and Flies
  2. Murphy Goes to the Doctor
  3. Young Murphy applies for a job....
  4. An Irish Mother's Letter

Page 4 of 4

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